Vegetarians Vs. Vampires

Sure, there are some similarities between vegetarians and vampires. But, I'd like to offer a different perspective. I am a third generation vegetarian and I'm raising my family the same. That's right. I'm not just some "first generation, just got turned" veggie. It seems like vampires and vegetarians are both "in" right now. But, in my clearly biased opinion, they're not equal.

Everyone seems to think that vampires are the best thing since (vegetarian) sliced bread. Think again. You'll soon see that vegetarians are far better than vamps in a head to head comparison. Oh, you laugh now. But, I'd bet you a stale old clove of garlic you'll agree with me in 5 minutes or less.

You think that vamps must be awesome because they can "turn" you with a single bite? Shania Twain says it best, "That don't impress me much." Just one bite of my mom's vegetarian stew would turn Count Dracula himself into a vegetarian.

Better than that, we vegetarians don't even need to be present to turn others to our kind. One bite of some of my favorites; Worthington's FriChik (original), Swiss Steak, Big Franks, Redi-Burger, Chili or little links can turn anyone into a vegetarian. You don't believe me? I dare you to try them! They're not like the cheap, frozen, nearly cardboard-tasting stuff (Gardenburger & Boca Burger) you buy at the big retailers. No, this is canned juicy-goodness unlike any other veggie food you're ever tasted. Although, I will admit that Morningstar Farms does make a few good ones.

Ok, so you can't find these canned veggie foods at your local big box store. But, it's still easier than trying to convince a vamp to turn you. You can always have some canned Worthington foods shipped from Amazon if you don't mind paying their prices. I'd suggest ABC's store locator or Vegefood.com for a local store if you want to try some before you buy a whole case.

You think vampires are masters of seduction? Countless times I've lured unsuspecting carnivores to my place; secretly substituting veggie meat in dish after amazing dish. Finally, when my guests are entranced by the taste, I reveal my long, sharp can openers. The truth sinks in and they are forever turned... sometimes. They find that their affinity for veggie meat is now beyond their control and they begin to hunger for it.

Vampires have to turn each person by biting them one at a time. I can seduce and turn 30 dinner guests in a single sitting while making fun of "vegetarian" vampires and drinking Martinelli's.

According to a 2009 Harris poll, 3% of the USA's adult population is vegetarian. That's over 9.3 million people in just the United States! The same poll showed 7% of youth, ages 8-18, never eat meat. The National Restaurant Association found that 27% more adults were ordering vegetarian meals than just 2 years ago. So, I guess we can see where the trend is going.

Even vampires are trying to get in on the action. They suck the blood of animals and then want to be called "vegetarian vampires." More like vegetarian wannabes.

Sure, vampires have their secret societies. So do vegetarians. I would give you some examples but they're secret. Veggies also have plenty of public societies and groups like the Vegetarian Resource Group, The Vegetarian Society, the Vegetarian Times, AVA, IVU, and a lot more.

So, how's the vampire population? Well, they're certainly getting more popular. They're all over the media. But, they're a little difficult to count considering that they're all hiding! Now tell me, if they're so bad and powerful, why are they hiding? Why aren't they hunting us "cattle" for food? Oh yeah, because we have Van Helsing, Blade, and too many others to list hunting them.

One of the best things about being a vampire is their ability to regenerate. They can't regenerate from a stake, though. If a vegetarian eats a steak, we might get sick for a couple days. Then, we're fine again. How's that for regeneration? Vamps also have a worse reaction to garlic than we do to steak!

The biggest draw to vampirism is their claim that they live forever. Immortality is great as long as you don't get killed with holy water, stakes, silver weapons, fire, ultraviolet light, or garlic. The American Heritage Dictionary defines immortality as "Not subject to death." Oops, I guess someone got scammed. That sucks.

On the other hand, vegetarians live an average of 7 years longer than other mortals, are 80% less likely to get cancer, have stronger immune systems, and are less likely to get heart disease.

Depending on who you talk to, vampires have varying degrees of super human strength, speed, can turn into bats, and fly. Now that's just awesome. But, for how long? We know for sure that vampires can be killed so their super powers won't last forever.

Vegetarianism is important to many religions. Jains believe that vegetarianism is crucial to their religious code. Most Hindu sects practice a vegetarian lifestyle. Certain Buddhist beliefs ban eating fish or meat of any kind and even promote a vegan diet. Even some Sikhs and Christians (like SDA's) cite religious, environmental, and moral reasons to promote vegetarianism. Most religions don't require their believers to be veggies to go to heaven(s), have eternal life, etc. But, every major religion is consistent that you won't live forever if you kill people and suck their blood. So, we know that all vampires will eventually die and lose their short-lived powers. However, there is a possibility that some vegetarians will live forever and have some extraordinary powers like flying and freedom from pain and disease.

Vampires are already doomed anyway. So, any delusions of morality by vegetarian vampires killing animals instead of humans are not going to do them any good. I can't think of a single major religion that condones animal cruelty. That really bites for those vegetarian vampires!

Let's revisit the title picture for our final test pitting vegetarians against vampires. I've placed a second one below. On the left you have a group of young vegetarians. Notice how every single one of them are smiling. That's probably because they just enjoyed sucking down a Jamba Juice while basking in the warm sunshine.

On the right you have a bunch of vamps that look like they're constipated or pouting or something. Maybe that's from sucking down blood and missing out on the endorphins caused by sunlight. Maybe it's from not sleeping in a couple hundred years. I guess I'd scowl too if I knew I might live thousands of years with the realization that I gave up beautiful sunsets and sunny summer days at the beach, the taste of a variety of foods, the sanity of knowing you weren't being hunted, and the possibility of living forever when I could have been a vegetarian instead. No wonder vamps are so grouchy. Just look at Edward's expression. Doesn't it look like he was just told he was grounded for eternity? Oh, I guess he basically was. Poor vamps.

Well, I guess that settles it. In the end, being vegetarian is way better than being a vampire.

"Truly man is the king of beasts, for his brutality exceeds theirs. We live by the death of others: we are burial places! I have from an early age abjured the use of meat, and the time will come when men such as I will look on the murder of animals as they now look on the murder of men." -Leonardo da Vinci

"One farmer says to me, "You cannot live on vegetable food solely, for it furnishes nothing to make the bones with;" and so he religiously devotes a part of his day to supplying himself with the raw material of bones; walking all the while he talks behind his oxen, which, with vegetable-made bones, jerk him and his lumbering plow along in spite of every obstacle." -Henry David Thoreau

"Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet." -Albert Einstein

"I will never forget the expression on my 8 year old stepdaughter's face when she learned that they kill cows and make hamburgers from their bodies. Even children know we shouldn't kill and eat anything that doesn't mean us harm, or has feelings or a soul. So, I guess politicians and lawyers are still on the menu." -J.McCoy

©2010 J. McCoy all rights and rites reserved. Those who plagiarize or are convicted of copyright infringement will be staked or steaked according to his/her kind; meat eaters will be fed to my vegetables as compost in my garden. Don't mess with a vegetarian.

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